An open letter to BioMom and BioFam

Always around my birthday I tend to get a bit more emotional than usual. The reason? I'm adopted. So I'm left thinking about my biological mother around this time and I reflect on my two pregnancies, and wonder what she's thinking.

I've never been angry about the choice her and my father made. It's a tough one and I even struggled with making the same choice with my son when I got knocked up at 14. I know deep down they made the right choice. They were unable to care for me. I was very unexpected and they were young. She had just had another kid right before me and they were struggling to get by. My BioMom was not working, and my BioDad was working a night shift at a local radio station in Texas and from what I was told, not bring home much money. All my life I've tried to not be a burden to anyone - and I would have hated to be another....not burden. I just would have never wanted to add to the struggle they were already in. I've lived a similar struggle and would never wish that upon anyone else.

I've come to terms with being adopted. I think I did so at a very young age. My family (or at least my Mom) was very open with the fact I was adopted as far back as I can remember. To be honest I do feel very blessed to have been placed with such a wonderful family. This was my path and I love my family and the people that I know because of the fact I ended up where I am. I have two wonderful children, a very supportive Dad and family and of course, my darling P. I've learned life lessons in this life (thus far) that I was put into.

As I got older though, it was made clear that they wanted no contact from me at all and I respect that. I went to the lawyer that handled my adoption in my late teens to see if I could find them if I wanted and honestly, I don't think I would be able to in the end. What would I say really?

Emotionally though, it's rough. I worry and wonder if she ever feels bad. In my heart I just want the chance to say, it's fine. I understand, respect and thank you with all my heart for making that choice for me. I want her to know I've never been angry with the choice. It's never hurt me in any shape or form. In the end she may harbor no guilt and not think of me at all. But as a Mom myself, it's hard to think that.

The whole beauty of being a ladyface and having a baby inside your womb is this unbreakable bond that you can grow with a child while you are pregnant. You get to know this little creature inside you and for most of us we get to live life with that little being for eternity. I couldn't even begin to imagine having a baby living with me for 9 months and then not taking care of it. Or at least knowing that it's ok.

To be honest - I know my thoughts are of the best... thinking that she's out there somewhere thinking about me. Wondering how I turned out. Thinking.... does she look like me? Does she look like my other kids? What is she doing? Those are the questions I'd love to answer for my BioFam. Of course a health history wouldn't hurt in my current medical condition either. On the flip side I'm also willing to put a hold onto the fact that she just might not give a frak at all. Don't worry, I think of both sides of the coin.

So to BioMom. Thank you. You gave me the gift of life and the gift of a life with my family that I wouldn't trade for a million dollars. I wonder if the twinge in my heart I get every once in awhile is you thinking about me. When I go to Texas I think of you and wonder if the woman I'm passing in the street is you. I want you to never feel bad or like you made a mistake about the choice you made. You and I won't ever meet in reality, but know that I carry you in my heart and have the respect and love for you like I would my adoptive family. Thank you for putting my wonderful Father into my life - he is my ultimate gift that keeps giving. Thank you for putting me here. I'm fine, and I hope you are as well. Your Baby M as I was called in the hospital, and while I was in foster care waiting to be placed with my family is fine. Because of you I am the person I am today - and for that I'm eternally grateful.